


The First Step in Getting Better

by Lets_Overthink



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, M/M, Making Out, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, things can get better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 21:45:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17434064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lets_Overthink/pseuds/Lets_Overthink
Summary: It was obvious that something was bugging him, but I was waiting for the right moment to ask... I just never thought it would come while we were making out.





	The First Step in Getting Better

**Author's Note:**

> I recently fell in love with Matsuhana and I really wanted to write about them, so here it is! I had this story in my mind for while and I'm happy to finally share it with you!  
> Also, this is my first ever fanfic in english (I speak spanish), so comments and tips are absolutely welcome.
> 
>  
> 
> [Trigger Warnings: This story touches themes like depression, self-harm and panic attacks. If you're sensitive to this topics, please consider not reading. Be safe!]

I knew something was bugging him, it was obvious. I could see it in his posture, in the way he played with his cuticles, in the way he bit his nails: Matsukawa Issei was hiding something. I didn't know _what_ and he wasn't helping either —he hadn't brought it up at all—, but I was confident about finding out.  
  
As I was in the dark, I started paying attention to every movement and every expression, looking for a clue. I stared at him for minutes, hours, until I had memorized all the little details and all the little habits of his body. I had become more conscious of Issei's body language than Issei himself.  
  
During class, he would have his neutral, default expression —which I was still unable to read, for some weird reason— and his signature lazy posture. His casual attitude almost made me believe I was thinking too much and that everything was fine. Almost. However, the way he acted during volleyball practice stopped me from abandoning my investigation.  
  
First, I noticed he spaced out a lot. He would randomly stare at the walls or the net, like he was deeply thinking about something. He looked out-of-place, distant, lost; even during practice matches, where he seemed slower, weaker, like he wasn't really trying his best.  
  
The rest of the team didn't seem to notice, but he would always be the last one to get changed, and I was almost certain that his clothes looked baggier than before. Also, his skin appeared way paler than usual (especially from close up), which made his dark circles stand out even more.  
  
But, the biggest and more worrying change —and the one that I hated the most— was him being quiet. A lot more than usual. He wouldn't joke around nor laugh as much as he used to. He wouldn't join me in annoying Oikawa and Iwaizumi, nor at my long rants about a post I had seen on Tumblr at 2am during our breaks. He wouldn't make funny comments under his breath nor shoot me teasing smiles every time I made a mistake. He was just _quiet._  
  
  
  
  
I even asked Oikawa about it —he had always been the best one at reading people—, but he was as clueless as me.  
  
"Maybe he's tired! I mean, exams are coming up and you know how much they stress him" he suggested. However, we weren't convinced by his answer. It sounded weird, as if we were missing _something_ .  
  
"I'm a ninety-nine percent sure Mattsun is hiding something from us. Do you think it's my fault? Do you think I somehow made him upset?". I tried to sound nonchalant, but I was especially worried about that possibility.  
  
Oikawa sighed, and I didn't like the look he gave me (it reminded me of my mother when she was about to give me a sermon).  
  
"You should just go and ask him, ok?". Before I could reply, he quickly added: "I know you don't want to make him uncomfortable or to assume things, but if you're so worried, you can't postpone this conversation for much longer. If you keep waiting, it will be worse, trust me".  
  
Even if I didn't want to admit it out loud, I knew he was correct (as usual). Also, there's always the chance that it's just my imagination… Right?  
  
  
  
  
Just as I was leaving the kitchen with my hands full of snacks, I heard a familiar loud knock on the door.  
  
"Give me a second!" I shouted, running to the lounge to empty my arms and grab my keys.  
  
Issei continued to knock, playing something that resembled the Wii song with his knuckles. I opened the door trying to contain a cackle and, when I looked up, I saw my boyfriend's smug face staring at me through sleepy eyes.  
  
"Hey there, Hiro. It's me, ya boy". He let himself in with an complicit smile.  
  
"Nice to see you too, asshole" I scoffed, as he was taking his shoes off.  
  
"I may be an asshole, but you love me anyway~" he sang, before reaching down to leave a soft peck on my lips.  
  
"Sadly..."  
  
I threw my arms around his chest, successfully trapping him in a hug, and buried my head in his shoulder. I breathed deeply, immediately recognizing his favorite cologne. We were so close that I felt his heart rate accelerating and my stomach filling with butterflies. My cheeks turned a warm, rosy color and I couldn't contain a giggle.  
  
We were having our first sleepover in months and I was going to take advantage of that to find out what was bothering him.  
  
  
  
  
Turns out I didn't even need to search for the right moment to ask, it just came to me. _While we were_ making out.  
  
After some rounds of Mario Kart, a couple hours of stupid YouTube videos and too many snacks, we had moved from the living room to my lair (aka my bedroom) to engage in other kind of activities.  
  
The moment we crossed the door, I caught his face between my hands and connected our lips in a needy kiss. We hadn't been able to have a private moment like this in a while, but that day we had the house all to ourselves and I was starting to feel a bit desperate. The universe gave me an opportunity, and I was going to use it.  
  
"Issei, I really missed this, you know?" I purred, with narrowed eyes and a lazy smile, and started kissing down his jaw to his throat.  
  
"Me too…" He sighed, content, and wrapped his lanky arms around my neck.  
  
I pushed him backwards, with my lips still grazing his skin, until his legs hit the edge of my bed. But, before I could make him fall, he shoved me away playfully. I looked at him, brows curving upward in a silent question. He just winked and hopped onto the mattress, already taking his shirt off. He discarded it to the side and rested his back against the headboard.  
  
"Ohh! Someone's eager~" I teased, rushing to imitate his actions. Once I had thrown my shirt to the floor, I positioned myself between his open, welcoming legs. His hands found their place in the nape of my neck.  
  
"Well, it's been a while". After saying that, he closed the distance again, reaching to kiss me with growing want.  
  
I let myself get lost in his touch, tender like a sunny day outside. My hands found their place at his waist; maybe, if I hadn't been so distracted with his lips, I would have noticed the way he flinched slightly.  
  
Just as it was starting to get heated, we had to pull apart (damn you, Oxygen!). We were both panting, cheeks hot and eagerness clear. The moment I recovered my breath, I pulled him in for another, equally intense, kiss. _And another, and another…_

  
  
Everything was going great, until —between kisses— I moved my fingers to grab the waistband of his sweatpants. This time I _felt_ him flinch; it wasn't a good kind of flinch. I stopped.  
  
"Issei, are you okay?" My voice may have sounded raspy, but my concern was sincere.  
  
"Of course" he said, but something about it just was wrong.  
  
"You sure? We can stop if you want".  
  
This time, instead of answering, he averted his eyes (a big, bad sign).  
  
"You can tell me, yeah? Doesn't matter what it is, I won't judge you, promise" I added, trying to get some kind of reaction, a clue.  
  
"It's not that I don't want to, really, but… There's something I should tell you before" he whispered, moving his arms to hug himself —probably feeling self-conscious in his semi-naked state—. He looked so small, so frail, that my heart ached in my chest (he was, in fact, thinner that the last time I had seen him this up close).  
  
Remembering the position and state we're in, I backed up and quickly reached for our shirts. I handed Issei his and put mine back on. I then sat in front of him with my legs crossed and watched him re-dress.  
  
"Was it something I did? If it was, I'm truly sorry" I said, just to break the awkward silence that had fallen upon the room.  
  
"No! You didn't do anything wrong, I swear!" He exclaimed, alarmed. "It's my fault for not saying anything…" His voice turned into a mutter so fast that I almost couldn't hear it, the change of tone catched me by surprise.  
  
It's weird to see Issei acting in such an uncharacteristic way. He wasn't his usual sarcastic, relaxed self: he looked like a completely different person.  
  
"Then, what is it? You have been acting weird for a while and I really want to know what's going on. I want to help you, _Seisei_ ". I tried to sound calm —even including that nickname that I knew he secretly loved— but I was starting to get more and more nervous.

  
He didn't say anything for a while, but I decided to wait for him this time, as he seemed to be organising his thoughts. After a few minutes (that felt like hours, to be honest), his eyes finally found mine and he started talking.  
  
"I guess it will be better to show you…" he sighed, reaching to pull his sweatpants down to his knees. He then grabbed the hem of his underwear, but hesitated. "Just don't freak out, please. I will explain" he begged, before tugging the fabric that covered his left thigh up, just above his hip bone.  
  
When I glanced at the exposed skin, I had to use _all_ of my self-control _not to freak out_ : scars. It was covered in self-harm scars. Some of them were small and almost invisible, others were big and puffy; some of them were old, others were recent. They were crusty, the skin around them red and dry, probably irritated by the razor. They were so many that I didn't even try to count them.  
  
My eyes prickled with tears as I reached down to touch them. They felt bumpy, sharp… They felt painful, even though they weren't carved on _my_ skin.  
  
"Issei…" It was the only thing I could mutter. My voice sounded broken.  
  
That's how I felt. _Broken_.

  
Without saying a word, he pulled his sweatpants back on; his hands were trembling. Looking up, I found that he was already crying, with his eyes firmly closed and his brows furrowed deeply. He grabbed onto the pillow so hard, his knuckles went white.  
  
The sight managed to break my heart once more.  
  
"Some months ago…" He started to say, in just a whimper. "Some months ago, I started to feel bad. Really bad. My days were dull and everything felt suffocating. I didn't know _why_ and it wouldn't stop, didn't matter how much I tried". He paused for a few seconds to take a breath, before continuing. "At first I thought it was just stress, a temporary thing, but then it got worse: I couldn't sleep nor concentrate, I felt so sick I lost my appetite, I felt like crying all the time and the self-deprecating thoughts were eating me alive..."  
  
He paused again, because his lips had started to tremble and his breathing was getting erratic. I took that moment to grab both of his hands between mine, drawing (hopefully) calming patterns with the tip of my fingers.  
When he had relaxed a bit, he opened his dark, glossy eyes. He looked up at me and smiled sadly. I gave his hands an encouraging squeeze.  
  
"A few weeks ago I found myself staring at my shaving razor, like I was unconsciously contemplating self-harming. But I didn't do anything at first, I was too afraid, like the big coward I am". He closed his eyes again, like he didn't want to see my reaction to his next words. "Until, on a really, really bad day, I just couldn't contain myself and... I did it: I fell and I still haven't been able to get up".  
  
Silent tears were streaming down his face, like raindrops against a window, and his chest was moving up and down too fast to be good, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I was completely speechless. Seeing my boyfriend, my _best friend_ , in such state hurted so much…  
  
"At first the cuts were small, just a distraction, but as the days got longer and my thoughts got darker, they started to grow in size and amount…". His voice was frail, like a butterfly's wing, gently cutting through the air. "It's the only thing that makes the voices in my head shut up, and I became addicted to that silence!".

  
Issei was now fully sobbing, and I didn't know what to do. He had snatched his hands from mine and curled in a tight ball, hiding his head with his arms. His nails clawed at his skin desperately, leaving burning red trails behind them. He must have taken my lack of words as a sign of anger or disgust, as he had started hyperventilating and shouting apologies.  
  
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Please don't hate me. Please don't break up with me. I need you, Hiro. Please, please, please don't leave me. You're the only thing that keeps me alive! You're the only reason I haven't given up!". He choked around his words, coming fast like bullets straight to my heart.  
  
That's when I started freaking out. I have never been good at dealing with people —even less with crying people—, so I didn't know what to do. But I wasn't going to use that as an excuse not to do something . So I gathered all the things that I had ever heard about panic attacks and tried to make it work.  
  
I quickly decided that words were the safest option, so I took a deep breath and just started talking.  
  
"Issei, baby, it's okay. Don't worry, I'm not angry, I'm not going to break up with you." I said, with the calmest voice I could pull off (the last thing he needed in that moment was me screaming or panicking). "Seisei, can you look at me, please?".  
  
He raised his head slightly, his eyes half opening. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing.  
  
"Can you now breath for me? Everything is going to be okay, promise. I just need you to calm down". He gave me a small nod, which I took as my signal to continue. "Great! Now I will start counting. You will take a big breath for five seconds, maintain it for three and then exhale it for five. It's okay if you find it difficult at first, just keep trying, yeah?" I explained.  
  
He nodded once more and pressed his eyes closed again, concentrating only in the task in front of him. I took a deep breath myself and then started counting out loud.  
  
"In for one, two, three, four, five… Maintain for one, two, three... Out for one, two, three, four, five. Great! Now, again".

Issei followed my instructions as best he could, even though he was still shaking and he pretty much failed the first couple of tries. However, after some repetitions, his breathing was starting to normalize and his body didn't seem as tense.  
  
"You're doing amazing, Seisei. Just one more, okay?". His nod looked more convincing (less shaky) this time.  
  
I started counting again, my lips spreading in a little, proud smile. When we finished, Issei seemed much calmer and his breathing wasn't nearly as erratic and choked as it was before.  
  
  
  
  
"Sorry for that”. His raspy voice broke the silence after a few minutes.  
  
"Don't worry, I wasn't lying when I said I'm not angry" I reassured him in a whisper, leaning closer.  
  
I reached out to grab his face between my hands —slowly, so I could see his reaction to the closeness—. With circling motions, my fingers danced against his skin, which was still wet from all the fallen tears. I deposited a soft kiss on his forehead and he sighed contently. I then kissed him on the nose and on the lips, chaste and full of love.  
  
"We can talk about this tomorrow, if you want. For now, we should relax and have some fun. So, how does hot chocolate and a movie sound?" I proposed, already getting up and stretching my back, which responded with a loud (and satisfactory) crack.  
  
"Sounds great". Issei's smile was so loving, so beautiful, that I felt my heart swell in my chest. I _love_ seeing him happy, it makes me feel all giggly and warm inside.  
  
  
  
  
I obviously knew the problem wasn't solved yet: Issei was still struggling with depression and self-harm, and those things weren't going to simply disappear from one day to another. It would take time and a lot of talking —to a specialist, to his family, to me— and maybe even medication, but we would get there eventually.

 

_After all, things can (and will) get better, promise._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this little story! It ended up being a lot more personal that what I had planned, but well...
> 
> Thanks for reading, have a nice day! <3


End file.
